my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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