it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
