Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize