I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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