We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
