I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
