dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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