Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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