____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize