I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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