seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
