I just saw a hot homeless man
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize