What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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