I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
