almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
