So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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