in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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