Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
