the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize