remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
