Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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