I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
