Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize