I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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