I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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