i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
