i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
