my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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