god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize