man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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