Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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