wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
