ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
