Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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