Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
