Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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