I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
