i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
