best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
