My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My penis needs a shock collar
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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