You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
