1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
