it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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