were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
