If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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