God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She's like a pop up book from hell.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
