somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
