girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
