i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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