I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
