new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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