i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's always time for handjobs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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