I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
