If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
