my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
