I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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