you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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