If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
