Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
