Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize