So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
